he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
