so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
