sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So many bounce houses so little time
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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