Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
