Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize