woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
