i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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