Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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