Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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