Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
