see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
