Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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