so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
