piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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