Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
