She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This house was built for laser tag.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
