a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
