So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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