last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
