Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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