Plan B is the new Plan A
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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