I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
