Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize