The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
