I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
where am i from again
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
