New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
