im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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