I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
