Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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