I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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