The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
