I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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