i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
