babies were throwing up all over the place
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
