cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
