just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
