im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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