i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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