My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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