The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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