I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize