Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
