I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just threw up on my dentist
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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