he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
