My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
