see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize