I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
