I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We don't watch enough power rangers
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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