my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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