He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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