Don't make out with my wife yet
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
