Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
