My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
