I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
