omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
