Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
