im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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