Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
