Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
