Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have aggressive nipples.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
