We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
